A Social Illness called Comparititis

I'm not sure if my English is right, but I can't find a better word for this illness called Comparititis. It comes from the word 'compare', which is defined as 'noting the similarities and differences of two things, persons, ideas...etc' in the dictionary.

It never appeared to me I would call it an illness, until I had a discussion in  "one of the many discussions" with Vernon, a sociology friend. Thereafter, its is difficult for me to see things like it is in the past. I began to observe how people behave and the responses they give when you ask them questions.

Comparititis, or rather, the habit of comparing things has been done everywhere in our lives. Since young, our parents do compare us with other siblings, or with our cousins, or even our neighbors' kids. In school, we compare our results, we compare who's in the better class, we compare who got more badges or trophies from their CCAs.

In daily lives, we compare who has the latest tech gadget, who visited the most number of exotic travel locations, who had the finest dinner, and  even compare who found the cheapest food in town. It just seems like comparing is just a human nature.

I compare everyday too, maybe just as much as you who are reading it now. Sometimes, it helps us in getting the best deals so we can save more money. It also helps us sieve out the rest so we can make the best decision.

But there comes a problem, when Comparing leads to Envy.

To define envy, it is the "feeling of discontent" with regards to another's advantage, success, possessions.

To parents, they will notice it when their kid questions them "If korkor(brother) can have the toy, why not me?" To us, we tend to ask ourselves, "Why is life so unfair?" "Why both of us are 26 years old, but he is a Multi-billionaire, but I'm just a graduate of a local university".

So the kid and the young graduate is not happy. However, they might be motivated to achieve it, probably by saving up more money to buy the toy himself, or please his parents so they get it for him. The young graduate can also find ways to learn how to become like the Multi-billionaire he envies.

Of course, that's the better thing to do, instead of just envying others. But on the downside, there are also people who become depressed due to all these envying and comparisons. This don't apply to just the kid or the young graduate. You find that in students who become depressed when they get 5As in their A levels, while their peers get 7As. Then you also see partners getting upset why their own boy/girlfriends just can't be as nice as his/her friend's boy/girlfriend. Again, while some look onto the brighter side, some decide to end their lives, or decide to never enter a relationship again.

We can blame the person for not being satisfied with what they had. 5As is a truly incredible result, and probably can admit you to any university. On the other side, we can also look at the kind of society and culture we are brought up.

Our society is a meritocratic one. In other words, it says that if you work hard enough, you can achieve whatever you want. That is being preached everywhere, by our government, our teachers, and also our parents. This form of culture has reaped its benefits, by producing the creme of the crop, the best of the best, the elites of the elites. These people have gone on to become leaders in the public and private sectors.

But what most people fail to realize is that Accidents Do Happen in this world. Sometimes, you just don't get what you want no matter how much work you have done. And sometimes, accidents may occur during the pursuit of achievement. Some people are born with disability. An athlete can injure himself, and may never return to his original peak performance state again. Anything can happen.

What usually happens in a meritocratic system is that the top will always be highly rewarded with fame and riches, while nobody cares much about the people on the other end of the spectrum. Comparititis and Envy kicks in. People become depressed. Interestingly enough, if you do a simple statistic check, developed (meritocratic) countries have higher suicide rates than developing ones.

Some may not be depressed, but become motivated to spent the rest of their lives chasing after something, and realize that's not what they want in the end.

One thing we have to know is that We cannot be successful in every area of our lives. You may have riches, fame, popularity, but you may miss out something else, like privacy. Singapore is still okay, but in other countries, you will find paparazzi following you wherever you go.

What we need to really have, is satisfaction and contentment with ourselves, and not in constant comparison with others. Some people say,"How I wish I can live a life like them...". Oh, you so sure you want a life like them?

At this point, there might be some 'Success Coach' or 'Peak Performance Coach' coming down at me for trying to tell others that success is not a desirable thing, or that having wealth and fame does not lead you to a better life. Or rather, I have a 'negative' or 'poor' mindset, and not a 'Success' mindset.

If that happens, then we will have to see what's the definition of success. Who defined this definition of success? Is it by you, or is it by society, or is it defined for you by society?

Without any doubt, if you ask anybody on the streets, most people will give the definition of success as 'having lots of money'. Unbelievable? Then you might want to test it by asking random people around you.

Our definition of success has been defined by the society to a great extent. To the extent that if we do not drive a big car, live in a big private property, go to exotic places for holiday, stay in luxurious hotels...etc, we are not successful. Where do you see all these? In TVs, in magazines, in advertisements, and movies. That's how 'Success' is portrayed to us.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't drive a big car, live in big house, go for exotic holidays. You should definitely go if you can afford. The luxurious market needs to have business too. However, the people who can't afford it, want it too. They might not need the big car to drive them to work, but they want it, because their friends have it, or to show off to others that the are 'rich'. While they get the envy eyes looking at them, they are struggling behind to fund their unnecessary expenses. In the end, what's the purpose of getting this big car, to fit into society definition of 'success'?

This does not just refer to big cars, or Singapore only. You can see, in other parts of the world, that because of Comparititis and Envy, people do crazy things just to fit into the definition defined by society. We heard of stories in China, because of an Apple gadget,a kid sold his kidney, a teenage girl sold her virginity.  All this done to stake a claim in China's upper class society.

As you read all these, it seems like I'm telling off a lot of people who are always comparing, and chasing after things for identity sake. But the fact is, I'm also one of those who are chasing after many things the society has taught me to chase after. But time and time again, once I get something I wanted, it doesn't feel as great as I first thought. Much of it is also because of comparititis and envy. I thought I would be as happy as the person if I had what the person had, but I hardly felt that way.

Now, it's time to cure the illness. It's time to look at myself, and know how much I already had, instead of looking at how much more others had over me. It's time to find satisfaction and contentment in oneself, and live a life you'll never want to exchange with someone else.