These few weeks have been a difficult week for me, and I can say it is the worst week that I could ever had, one that i would never want it to come, one that I would give up everything for it not to come. But it came.
My last post, 21 sept 2008, my grandma is still struggling with stroke. From day 1, I have visited her every day after my work, boarding bus from airport and take the train to outram, SGH. Everytime i went there, I just hope that the ECG ( electorcardiogram) is responding, the heartbeat and blood pressure are in the healthy range.
I would then heaved a sigh of relieve. I would then go over to her bedside, call 'Ah ma!, ding neng lai liao!!', hoping that she would respond. I would held her hands tight and give her warmth. I would try to massage her toes, to improve bloodflow, so in anycase she got to walk again in the future, it would be easier for her.
I would massage her thighs and muscles, to keep them warm. I would tell her not to worry, everything is fine, and you can go home a few days later. I would make your favourite coffee, cook your favourite mixed vegetable, fried fish, and anything you want.
I would then heaved a sigh of relieve. I would then go over to her bedside, call 'Ah ma!, ding neng lai liao!!', hoping that she would respond. I would held her hands tight and give her warmth. I would try to massage her toes, to improve bloodflow, so in anycase she got to walk again in the future, it would be easier for her.
I would massage her thighs and muscles, to keep them warm. I would tell her not to worry, everything is fine, and you can go home a few days later. I would make your favourite coffee, cook your favourite mixed vegetable, fried fish, and anything you want.
Every evening I came, I did all those things, and also asked the nurse to take special care of you. I also hoped for the doctor to say something good about your health. The days are long, and every call or sms i receive, i received it with fear and anxiety. Everytime i open the inbox, I just hoped its not from my mum or my big bro, or if from them, it must be something positive.
on 25/9 evening, I came to visit you. I just knew that you had a blood transfusion in the morning, due to a loss of blood. The medicine, aspirin, that was given to reduce the swollen of the brain, has caused the thining of stomach wall, causing the wall to tear, and bleeding within the stomach.
The doctor discovered it the previous night, when the nurses changed the diapers. Blood was collected in the diapers, and blood was also immediately given to supplement the loss. The good side is that the swelling of the brain has stopped.
However, i realised that your heart is beating at an uneasy rate, beating ard 100-110. I saw you breathing in and out profusely, with lips flipping in and outwards. I sensed something must be wrong, and I asked the nurse. The nurse told me, it's a normal sign, as patient has just been give blood transfusion, and blood is just pumping faster to transport blood to other parts of the body.
Quite logical. Problem is, blood transfusion was given in the morning, and by the nurse, the heart rate is the same(100-110) since morning, till then (8pm) when i visit you. The nurse asked me not to worry, as they have given you medicine to bring down the beat rate. I then decided to leave alr, and hoped everything would be back to normal the next day. That was also the day, the only day, I did not massage your hand, fingers, toes, thighs, as blood vessels were connected to your body parts due to the transfusion.
The doctor discovered it the previous night, when the nurses changed the diapers. Blood was collected in the diapers, and blood was also immediately given to supplement the loss. The good side is that the swelling of the brain has stopped.
However, i realised that your heart is beating at an uneasy rate, beating ard 100-110. I saw you breathing in and out profusely, with lips flipping in and outwards. I sensed something must be wrong, and I asked the nurse. The nurse told me, it's a normal sign, as patient has just been give blood transfusion, and blood is just pumping faster to transport blood to other parts of the body.
Quite logical. Problem is, blood transfusion was given in the morning, and by the nurse, the heart rate is the same(100-110) since morning, till then (8pm) when i visit you. The nurse asked me not to worry, as they have given you medicine to bring down the beat rate. I then decided to leave alr, and hoped everything would be back to normal the next day. That was also the day, the only day, I did not massage your hand, fingers, toes, thighs, as blood vessels were connected to your body parts due to the transfusion.
I left with a heavy heart, as i think that something must be wrong with the increasing heart rate, even though the nurse says its normal. I just prayed that everything will be alright. Little did I know, that was the last time I entered and left SGH.
Early morning at 6am, 26/9/2008, my mum and dad all woke up and started getting ready to go out. It puzzled me, but i did not think too much. Then my big bro called me, and said that SGH on-call doctor called him, and told him that Ah Ma's heart was beating at 150-160!!, and it has been beating for almost the whole night!!!. It's equivalent to sprinting 100m race continuously for almost 6 hrs!.
From what I know, normal person heartbeat is between 70-80, and elderly at ard 60-70. Vigorous exercises may increase heartbeat. However, my Ah Ma is lying on the bed!! Why the heart is beating so fast then? When my brother called me, I'm very worried that something is wrong, and he was waiting for my mum n dad to fetch him up at ahma's hse, and proceed to SGH.
I'm just as worried, but i did not follow them. With heart pumping at 110-120 the night before, I could see how hard her breathing is, with her heart moving up and down, lips flipping due to the rush of air in and out of the mouth. At 150-160, i just could't imagine how she is reacting to the abnormal heart beat.
From what I know, normal person heartbeat is between 70-80, and elderly at ard 60-70. Vigorous exercises may increase heartbeat. However, my Ah Ma is lying on the bed!! Why the heart is beating so fast then? When my brother called me, I'm very worried that something is wrong, and he was waiting for my mum n dad to fetch him up at ahma's hse, and proceed to SGH.
I'm just as worried, but i did not follow them. With heart pumping at 110-120 the night before, I could see how hard her breathing is, with her heart moving up and down, lips flipping due to the rush of air in and out of the mouth. At 150-160, i just could't imagine how she is reacting to the abnormal heart beat.
I stayed on the bed, while my parents and big bro rushed to SGH. Then, my phone sounded. 1 message received. It's the message that from day 3 (the day ah ma got stroke), till then ,
I DID NOT WANT TO SEE!!.. When i opened the message, it read:
'' ah ma passed away at 7am..''
I jumped out of the bed immediately, and shouted ' AH MA!!!!!!'. I gave a call to my big bro. i heard him weeping. He said they were caught in the morning jam, and doc had called them to inform them ah ma has stopped breathing at 7am.
When my big bro reached her bedside, she was not moving already, but there was a smile on her face. Yes, a smile. When he touched her hands, they were cold. No one was beside her when she left. We were told, that means ah ma dun wan us to see her leave, as she doesnt want us to worry. She left with a smile, which means an end to the suffering she has endured these 9 days......
When my big bro reached her bedside, she was not moving already, but there was a smile on her face. Yes, a smile. When he touched her hands, they were cold. No one was beside her when she left. We were told, that means ah ma dun wan us to see her leave, as she doesnt want us to worry. She left with a smile, which means an end to the suffering she has endured these 9 days......
They stayed to do the documentation and follow up. I sat in front of tv, switched off. What went through my mind was all the memories i had with ah ma, if calculated, it's just ' infinite' GB. My memories with Ah Ma were never ending, and I would say, Priceless. It's just too much, too many things, from the day i was born till the last day i heard her say the last words.
I dragged out a bag full of photo albums, and started looking for ah ma. I just couldn't hold back my tears when i saw her carrying the 3 of us, when we were still young, and when ah gong is still around.
I dragged out a bag full of photo albums, and started looking for ah ma. I just couldn't hold back my tears when i saw her carrying the 3 of us, when we were still young, and when ah gong is still around.
It's just too overwhelming for me to take. I applied for emergency leave immediately, to request to see my ah ma again. I packed up, and went to ah ma hse. Memories just flow through my mind ceaselessly. I just couldn't imagine the world w/o ah ma.
When i reached ah ma hse, my dad was at the void deck. I asked where's ah ma's body. He said it's with the casket ppl, and they would bring her back in the afternoon. Meanwhile, workers were fixing the backdrop, the tables, chairs, everything that is required for a funeral. Ah ma's funeral was held 1 block away,at 33, as her block,32, does not have enough space for a funeral.
When ah ma's body came back, in a lorry, with her coffin, I was very emotional. It was wrapped and tied in plastic. A ceremony was held to put her body inside the coffin. Before that, they got to dressed up ah ma.
When they opened up the plastic, I saw ah ma. She was dressed in her usual attire that she wore to the market, simple brown old lady clothings with blue pants. From what i knew, that was what my big bro packed in my ahma's bag, and told ah ma to wear that attire when she was discharged from hospital after operation. Little did we know that She didnt walk out with that attire, but being carried out.
The scene was just SOOO sad and solemn , that i couldnt hold back my tears and cried. Needless to say, i think my big bro feels the most, as he was the one who chose ah ma's attire to wear out of hospital. Even though the casket people covered the scene they dressed up ah ma, I could see through from an angle, the smile on her face.
It just made my heart sank even more. A ceremony was then held, and ah ma was placed inside the coffin. The priest told us to say the last few words to ah ma..
Chi : '' ni bao wo ta, wo wui ni lao''
Eng: '' you carry me from young, i feed you till you are old''
Hokk: '' li po wa dua, wa qi li lao''
This is really the time when my heart really sanked into a bottomless pit. A time i cried the most. I time i just couldnt stop my tears. A time I just hoped it's a dream. I walked round her coffin, and saw the smile on her face, with her beautifully dressed up.
I stretched my hand and touched her shoulders, and told her to go peacefully, and not to bring any worries with her, as all of us had grown up, and will now take care of ourselves, and will do what you have always told us to do last time. We will live by your values you have taught us from young, and not disappoint you.
I stretched my hand and touched her shoulders, and told her to go peacefully, and not to bring any worries with her, as all of us had grown up, and will now take care of ourselves, and will do what you have always told us to do last time. We will live by your values you have taught us from young, and not disappoint you.
Coffin was then closed and nailed. We were told to turn back n not to see while the people nailed the coffin. Anyway, it's just a painful process. The funeral was held for 5 days.
Alright. I know this post is very emotional, and it also took me great pains to write out everything i remembered. I knew there are some more things which i can left out, as there are way too many things. I will continue in the next post.
Till then, see ya.
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